Stronger than we knew

Life is always changing. Most of the time, I love that about life—but lately I’ve been struggling to figure out when it all became so different from when John was still here. The kids and I are always busy, but we still make time for each other. Sometimes I’ll spend an entire day with one of them and hardly see the other, or I’ll split the day between both. Other times, we only connect by text. But no matter what, we’re always talking, always checking in. They let me know what’s going on in their lives, and I love that.

Life in 2025 looks so very different than it did four years ago, when we were about to find out John had kidney cancer. That diagnosis was a shock. We were told everything would be fine, that kidney cancer doesn’t spread. We believed it—so we never thought about planning for the future. Now, I know better.

Fall has always been my favorite season. I love when the weather cools, when we bundle up, when school and sports are in full swing. But now, fall is also a reminder of everything that went wrong.

October was when John was diagnosed. His kidney was removed in December. Treatments started in February 2022. And then, a year later, things really changed. That November, John wasn’t feeling well, but he convinced me he was okay. He wasn’t. Everything shifted from Thanksgiving through Christmas.

It really began on my birthday—November 21, 2022. I turned 48 that day. All I wanted was to go out to dinner with my husband and kids. Drew wasn’t happy because I picked the local Mexican restaurant, but I said, “It’s my birthday, we’re going.” Then John said he was tired and asked if we could just do carryout. I didn’t like carryout from that place, so he and Bailey brought home Italian instead. By the time they got back, I was furious.

I didn’t want food. I wanted the experience. I wanted to be waited on, to not have to clean up, to just be with my family and enjoy it. But it didn’t happen, and I went to bed angry. I hated that John couldn’t give me the one thing I asked for. More and more, I felt less like his priority and more like a roommate.

The next day, I told a friend I was done. I didn’t want to keep living like that. People urged me to go with him to his doctor’s appointment the next week, to make sure he told them everything. But I was just… exhausted.

On Thanksgiving, John barely ate and went back to bed. My mom, like always, made excuses for him. The next day, while I was at work, the kids called me to come home. They said it was about the dog, but really, John wasn’t answering his phone. When I got there, I found out why—he had dropped it and didn’t have the strength to pick it up. I was angry again, and I pushed him until I thought he had a stroke. That’s when I dialed 911.

Six weeks later, John was gone.

For a long time, I was angry at him—and at myself. I hated that, in the end, I was mad. I hated that he hid so much from me. I hated that I let him take our son out of state for a soccer tournament when he wasn’t well. Afterward, other dads told me how “off” he had seemed, but no one thought to tell me then.

I was frustrated because there was so much we should have done that last year—conversations we should have had, plans we should have made. But John kept putting it off. His dad passed away, he was tired, there was always something. And maybe, even if he had told me everything he wanted, I couldn’t have given it all to him. Because what I really wanted was for my kids to still have their dad—for the milestones, the celebrations, the everyday moments.

I wanted him at Bailey’s graduation. I wanted him cheering Drew on at soccer tryouts, helping him prepare so he could make the team. I wanted him here today, celebrating Bailey’s first day of her internship in a classroom. I wanted him supporting Drew through basketball tryouts. There are countless moments I wish John had been here for.

But even without him, the kids and I have grown stronger in the past three years.

I love the people we’ve become.

Drew has shown me resilience I didn’t know was possible. He struggled deeply after losing his dad, but he fought his way back. His grades are strong again, his focus is back, and he’s learning how to push through challenges. He is becoming an incredible young man.

Bailey has been my rock since day one. She has my sharp wit and more sarcasm than I ever did—but she also has a huge heart. She graduated with honors, has an amazing group of friends, leads at church, and serves as a role model for younger girls. I am so proud of her.

And me… I’m still figuring things out. I’m learning who I am now, opening myself up to new possibilities, even love again. Every day, I’m working toward becoming the kind of woman I’m proud of—and the kind of mom my kids can be proud of, too.

So what is this all about?

It’s about the truth that life doesn’t go the way we plan. It’s not always what we want or what we thought it would be. But it’s still worth living. It’s still full of challenges, joy, growth, and love. And it can still become everything we dreamed it could be—maybe in ways we never expected.