Boundaries While Grieving

I am preparing for my membership Zoom tonight, which is focused onboundaries while grieving, and it got me thinking about something I see posted over and over again: the advice and opinions we receive from the people around us while we are grieving.

This is something I haven't really talked about much in the past, but I think it's time.

Advice and Opinions Are Not Always Helpful

First, I want you to remember this:

Advice and opinions are often how people respond when they don't know what else to do.

They may genuinely want to help. They may be uncomfortable watching you hurt. They may think they know what you should do because they have experienced loss themselves.

But their experience is not your experience.

Here are some of the things I have seen people asking or giving opinions about online:

• When should you take off your wedding rings?

• When should you clean out the closet?

• When should you take a shower?

• When should you start eating normally?

• When should you go back to work?

• When should you be "back to normal"?

• What should the person be wearing in the casket?

• Should you have a viewing or cremation?

• When is it appropriate to start dating again?

Want me to keep going?

I could.

But the truth is,these are decisions that belong to you.

There is no universal timeline for grief. There is no rulebook that says, "At this point, you should be doing this."

And there certainly shouldn't be someone standing beside you telling you how youshouldbe grieving.

Your Grief Is Yours

Another boundary we need to talk about is how you handle your grief and how you talk about it.

One example I have shared several times is when a friend asked me why the 25th through the 29th of every month were so hard for me in the beginning.

Well... let's see.

John left the house for the last time on the 25th, which happened to be Christmas Day.

He died on the 29th.

Those dates were burned into my memory.

My response was simply, "The dates just suck because of the holidays. I'm sure one day they'll get easier."

And eventually, they did.

But that wasmy experience.

Someone else might have needed to talk about those dates constantly. Someone else might have wanted to avoid them completely. Someone else might have found comfort in honoring those days.

None of those responses would be wrong.

Stop Measuring Yourself Against Someone Else's Timeline

Another boundary I want to bring up is one I mentioned earlier: the expectation that you should be showering, eating regular meals, cleaning the house, going back to work, or somehow getting "back to normal."

These can be incredibly difficult things when you are deep in grief.

Some people completely shut down.

Others, like me, push through.

I went back to work the day after the funeral.

Did I have to?

No.

But did I?

Yes.

I did it because I needed some sense of normal. For me, getting back to work felt normal.

Was I in any shape to be at work?

Hell no.

But I did it because, at the time, I thought that was what I wassupposedto do.

I am not good at sitting around. There is absolutely nothing wrong with resting or sitting with your grief, but I couldn't do it.

Mentally, I needed to focus on something else.

I also had so much anger toward John that I needed somewhere to put all of that energy.

That wasmy grief.

It doesn't mean it should be yours.

Create Your Own Grief To-Do List

So, what is my suggestion?

Start a to-do list for yourself.

And I'm not talking about a giant list.

Start with something as simple as:

Get out of bed.

Tomorrow, add one more step.

Maybe it's:

• Take a shower.

• Brush your teeth.

• Eat something.

• Get dressed.

• Step outside.

• Make a phone call.

• Go to work.

• Take a walk.

Whatever works foryou.

And here's the important part:

Do it when you are ready—not when someone else thinks you should be ready.

Because your grief does not operate on someone else's timeline.

Your First Boundary Is With Yourself

This is why I believe one of the most important boundaries you can set while grieving is actually a boundary withyourself.

You have to stop focusing on the wordshould.

Ishouldbe doing this.

Ishouldbe feeling better.

Ishouldbe back to work.

Ishouldhave cleaned out their things.

Ishouldbe able to talk about it without crying.

Ishouldbe moving forward.

Stop.

There is no "should" in grief.

There is onlyyour grief, your experience, and your timeline.

And when you can begin giving yourself permission to grieve in the way you need to grieve—not the way someone else tells you to—you are already beginning to create a boundary.

A boundary that says:

I get to decide what is right for me.

If you need help figuring out your own grief timeline or learning how to set boundaries with the people around you, let me know.

I have a class coming up focused onboundaries, because boundaries are a huge part of grieving—and one of the main steps in learning how to function after loss.

You don't need to grieve "the right way."

You need to findyour way.