Alone vs Lonely

I posted about this on my personal Facebook page today, but I wanted to share it with you guys too.

This weekend I realized something…
For all the work I have done with my grief, I never really prepared myself for the feeling of being so alone.

I have been so busy the last several years that downtime never felt like something I needed to focus on. But now the kids are getting older. They have their own lives, things they are doing that I don’t need to be there for anymore. They’re both dating, spending time with friends, and rarely home… so now it’s mostly just me and the dogs.

My post on Facebook was greeted with the typical “I’m praying for you” or “If I lived closer we could hang out.” But that wasn’t really why I shared it. I wanted other people to know they are not alone when they feel this way.

I said I was “pushing through it,” but really what I was doing was sitting with it.

My son was gone most of the weekend at his girlfriend’s volleyball tournament. My daughter is leaving for the beach for a couple of days with her best friend, and I’m home with the puppies… lol.

I did get some time with my daughter on Saturday when she took me out to dinner, but then we came home and relaxed separately. It’s funny how that has become our norm now.

After spending most of yesterday alone for the third day in a row, I realized… wow, is this what my life is going to look like now?

That got me thinking again about the difference between being lonely and being alone — something I’ve talked about before.

You know how I always say you can feel lonely in a crowded room?
Being alone and being lonely are not the same thing, even though they can happen at the same time.

Alone is a physical state.
It means you are by yourself. You can be alone and feel peaceful, rested, creative, or connected to yourself. Sometimes being alone is exactly what we need to heal, think, or breathe.

Lonely is an emotional state.
It’s the feeling of being unseen, disconnected, unsupported, or emotionally isolated. You can feel lonely in a crowded room, in a marriage, surrounded by friends, or while constantly taking care of everyone else.

Someone can:
• be alone and feel content
• be surrounded by people and still feel deeply lonely

In grief and trauma, this difference becomes even more important. Many people experience:
• forced aloneness after loss
• emotional loneliness because others don’t understand their pain
• exhaustion from pretending they’re okay while feeling disconnected inside

Sometimes healing begins when we learn how to be alone without abandoning ourselves.

Loneliness softens when we feel emotionally safe, seen, understood, and connected again — first with ourselves, and then with others.

A simple way to say it:

Alone is about who is around you.
Lonely is about who you feel connected to.

So now that I’ve looked at it more closely, I realized I was both lonely and alone this weekend. But I wasn’t always lonely, because I do enjoy having time to myself. There were just moments when the loneliness hit harder.

What’s funny is one of the times I felt the loneliest this weekend, I was actually in a house full of people. No one was really talking to me — they were talking around me — and it became overwhelming enough that I realized it was time for me to leave.

One thing I have learned over the past few years is how to enjoy my own company. When I’m alone, I don’t automatically feel lonely anymore.

I’ve learned the things I enjoy doing by myself and the things I want to do more of. I also know who to turn to when the loneliness starts creeping in and I need connection.

When I talk about being alone, it’s not always because I want someone around. Sometimes it’s just something new I’ve had to learn how to navigate.

Do you understand the difference between being lonely and being alone?