Ready for More

Life feels so different these days — and yet, in some ways, not different at all. The real change is me.
I hope that makes sense.

You all know I’ve been going through a lot of changes in every part of my life. But today, I’m reflecting — looking back just a bit.

Last night, I spent time with friends, and once again, I felt like the odd one out. I’m always the odd one out now… ever since I became “just me.” And that feeling, being the only single person in a group of couples, hit hard.

It made me realize that while I don’t think I’m ready for a serious relationship — I’m definitely not looking to get married — I do miss having someone beside me. Someone who’s there for me. A partner. Even just someone to go with me to social events or hangouts with my couple friends.

For example, last night I went over to a friend’s house. She was there with her husband and kids. Another one of our mutual friends came too — with her husband. It was just like the old days. My husband and I used to go there together, hang out on the back porch, play games, talk late into the night. But now it’s just me.

And while I wasn’t necessarily missing him last night, I was missing what he represented: companionship, partnership, someone to share life with. Everyone around me still treats me with the same love and care — but I see them coupled up, and it makes me feel alone in a new way.

Recently, I’ve tried talking to a few men online. It’s been… interesting. A little fun, a little frustrating. Honestly, I struggle to trust that these men are who they say they are. Why is it always someone who’s never been married, has no kids, and somehow is so emotionally available? It feels too good to be true — because, let’s be real, it probably is.

I want to believe them. I want to think they really want to get to know me. But deep down, I think I know better. It’s so hard to tell what’s real online. And frankly, I don’t know many people who’ve found lasting, healthy relationships that way.

So I’ve decided: it’s time for something different.

It’s time to stop hiding.
I’m ready to put myself out there — in real life.
I don’t exactly know how to meet someone organically — I met my first husband in high school, and my second through a blind date a friend arranged. So this is a new path for me.

But I’m ready to take the first step.

No more shrinking. No more widow cocoon.

It’s time to spread my wings… and fly, like a butterfly